Pantene Pro-V has a new face.
Les and I embarked on a journey unlike any other a few nights ago: we watched Twilight.
Breath.
Stop laughing.
WHY!? I must say I never thought it would happen. Like most sane people, I scoffed, guffawed and chided the books, films and their tween fans (not to mention their adult fans but that’s another level of loser I don’t wish to attack in this post). The whole concept of a “tween” movie makes me laugh. How did I get to the point where I carved out two hours of my life for something was sure to be disgusting? Comedy, my friends. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Like it or not, this crap is a cultural touchstone for the generation immediately south of my own and I was about to just add it to the list of things that are popular but I don’t get i.e. new Saturday morning cartoons, Silly Bandz, Selena Gomez (by the way, isn’t this phenomenon supposed to happen much later in life? I’m barely touching thirty and sometimes I feel as confused as my parents.) I wanted the experience that only a film like this can provide.
While up in The Mont a few weekends ago, I stumbled upon a copy of the film at Les’ parent’s house. I had not been actively thinking about watching it but when opportunity knocks you open the door and say “Okay. I guess.” My natural first reaction was derision, of course. Then a sick thought crept into my human head: what if I actually watched it? How bad could it be? At best it would surprise and be entertaining whilst providing me with some tween culture ammo/insight. At worst it would suck my brain dry. It took (shockingly) little coaxing to get Les to watch it with me. She wasn’t gung-ho but she definitely didn’t put up a fight (the things you can learn about a person…) We picked a night, cracked a bottle of wine and prepared to have our minds blown…
Well, not so much. Some thoughts:
- Location: Despite never traveling there, I love the Pacific Northwest. The cinematography does a nice job capturing the green and the rain.
- Bella: Awful character. I’m not high on dour women; why would anyone want to be with them? When she’s not moping, she’s moping that she’s not moping. Edward the Vampire has an impossible time figuring her out but I had her nailed down within five minutes (maybe this is more a testament to Edward’s intelligence. Too much vampire inbreeding, I suppose) I’m putting Kristen Stewart on my INSUFFERABLE BITCHES list along with Kate Bosworth and Julia Roberts.
- Unintentional humor: This was a high of my priority list and it didn’t disappoint. Highlights: the impossibly long and steely glances first exchanged by Edward and Bella; Robert Pattinson’s acting; RIDICULOUS special effects (they really are “special”); Taylor Lautner’s caveman wig; Robert Pattinson’s face; any exchange of dialogue between Edward and Bella; the running up the mountain scene; the jumping through the trees scene (puts you to shame, Shia); Robert Pattinson.
- Vampires: Everything that movie-going audiences have come to know about vampires is thrown out the window. They prefer animal blood. They really can’t be killed (unless they’re ripped apart and thrown into a fire at the hands of other vampires). If they go out in the sun, they don’t die; the sparkle like a Tiffany’s display window. There are some evil vampires in the world but we only get to hang out with the lame, non-human killing ones. Basically, they are vampires with a conscience. Why these powerful, pretty much unstoppable beings would choose to live in isolation instead of taking over the world is beyond me. They’d rather be playing baseball, I guess. Seriously. I’m not kidding.
- Taylor Lautner’s caveman wig: Gold.
Suffice to say, I won’t be watching New Moon.
